A tumblr


to be totally honest, i think the underlying reason for my wanting an asexual aromantic female partner in addition to my asexual male partner is because what i really want is my best friend for my platonic life partner but i dont believe i could actually have her in that role, so i’ve diverted my…

I don’t think it’s that you’re looking for a stand-in for your best friend. I think it’s just that you’ve learned a lot about what your ideal relationship looks like from your relationship with her, and so it’s natural that you’ll use her as a model. Since, you know, there aren’t a lot of other places you can look to for examples of what perfect asexual relationships look like. 


I’ve thought of my best friend a handful of times over the last few weeks and how a part of me would still gladly spend my life with her as a partner. I would say “exclusively” but I’d have to qualify that because “exclusive” does not quite mean “monogamous” in my vocabulary. I would live with her…

I think I know exactly how you feel here. I had friends I had similar hopes for not too long ago, and that went quite badly. And since then, I’ve also felt pretty completely detached from all my relationships. 

I kind of wonder whether asexual/queerplatonic partners would really be any different. I think all people—alisexual, asexual, whatever—just by nature change over time and move in and out of relationships inevitably. Those lifelong partnerships of perfect trust and commitment you’re talking about are just really uncommon in general. I don’t trust myself to be able to offer such a partnership, so it’s quite unfair of me to expect one from anyone else. So I pretty much just expect that everything is going to end sometime, and try to value it based on what it is in the present instead of how long it will last. 

I wish we could set up a giant ace meet-up for the express purpose of engaging in the biggest cuddle orgy ever.


For those of us who want cuddling and other forms of physical affection.

Sometimes, I think of you, my fellow aces and aros who are lonely and touch-starved, and I wish I could magically show up in your room and offer you all the affection you want for as long as you want.

I think a cuddle orgy would be pretty awesome after the initial “we haven’t met in meatspace before” awkwardness.


It would be pretty wonderful. Closest I’ve come was a cuddle party at Frolicon (big BDSM convention in Atlanta) earlier this year. It was rather nice, but a) way too short, and b) not full of people like me who were excited to be there. 

Maybe someday when there are huge asexual conventions, this can happen there. 

This Might Seem Stupid,


But I think the AVEN website is so pretty.

The ace pride colors go together so well, and every time I go on AVEN, I can’t help but think “This looks so pretty. I really like these colors!”

So. Now that everyone knows my opinion of AVEN’s appearance, you may now carry on with your day-to-day lives.

Thanks for reading :D

It does seem like this color combination is showing up a lot on products, so it must be one that designers like. Recently I saw this belt at Hot Topic, and not long after that I noticed that one of my friends (not asexual) had a bag with vertical stripes in our colors. And I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a fair number of other products get pointed out by other people on AVEN and tumblr. 

It’s like this: you’re born into a world where, upon maturity, everyone gets a pet elephant which is invisible to everyone but themselves. Society is structured around the needs of peoples’ elephants. People talk about the elephants and their foibles incessantly. The mass media includes the elephants in every story ever as major plot points. Until you hit the age where you get your own elephant, you can’t see them, but you’re assured that you’ll get your own when you grow up and then you’ll understand everything.

So you grow up, you reach the Age of Elephant Acquisition, and… no elephant. You infer that elephants exist–after all, people keep insisting they must, and people your age have started talking about their elephants and how wonderful and interesting they are, and also people with fairly unusual elephants are willing to do truly baffling things for the elephants’ sake. Probably, you think, the elephants exist, but you’re not sure, because you’ve never experienced anything that seems like an elephant of your own, and couldn’t it be possible that this is some sort of elaborate plot or mass delusion or something?

But people keep insisting that the elephants are totally real, and everyone else your age has started talking about how their elephants are doing. And you’re seriously the only one who is confused by the elephants thing, so you maybe try to casually bring it up–maybe you sort of try to ask people how their elephants look in casual conversation, because it’s possible that you do have an elephant and you just haven’t noticed! Possibly they are in fact very small and hard to see, but they cause a lot of mischief! After all, sometimes funny rustling things happen around you, too, just like they do to people who do have elephants. So you try to ask around, in case it’s something that you can miss, or you’re not interpreting things right, and you look very hard for things that can be interpreted as being sort of vaguely elephantine. But when you do ask them, people give you funny looks and treat you as if you’re stupid for asking, because duh they know what an elephant looks like. Everyone has one! All you have to do is look, it’s not like they’re hard to see!

You see how this can become frustrating.

Eventually you assume you are, in fact, different and not just unobservant, and try to construct the image of what an elephant looks like so that you can understand properly. But no one who has one will sit down with you and answer your questions and help you understand, even if you’re really stubborn and you ask a lot of people a lot of questions. You end up having to construct your understanding of the elephant from tiny snippets, little bits of information you can coax out of normal people before they get aggravated and change the subject. And of course everyone emphasizes different parts of what the elephant is, because everyone is different and thinks about things differently, and you have to try to pick at the distortions as best you can.

That’s what it’s like, being asexual and trying to define sexual attraction on its own. Or being aromantic-ish, and trying to define how romance works. I suppose being agender and trying to suss out gender identity is similar, and I bet there’s other parallels to make. The thing is: you don’t have something, and you’re trying to understand how it works, and no one who says they understand will try very hard to teach you what it’s like.

Sciatrix (via mooglets)


I discovered that the surface area on my bed occupied by pillows, stuffed animals and fluffy blankets is about twice that of the surface area ever occupied by human. Similarly, the volume of space taken up by the stuff on my bed is about twice the volume I ever occupy. I think this is a good solution to the desire for cuddling thing— presumably another person would be warmer and more solid, but also presumably another person would require a lot more consideration than do a bunch of pillows. And would be noisier. So I think this a good compromise!

I think we should make “distribute pillows to the masses” part of the evil asexual agenda, by the way. Muahahahaha. :)

It seems like whenever I try to do that with my bed, I end up finding that all the extra soft things get in the way and pushing them off. 

Do We Really Need to Be Told We Are Wonderful?


Fighting the trolls head on is a pointless and useless idea.  I can only imagine that after they are done they can go back to their lairs and laugh at the people posting the You are Wonderful posts. 

Does it really matter what they end up doing back in their lairs? As long as people read the tag looking for love and support end up finding it, the goal is achieved. The whole point is to make sure that the supportive posts drown out the negativity and make the tag safe for people again. As long as that succeeds, then their private laughter can’t hurt this community any more. 



Well, if you think about it, “sexual” defined as “experiencing sexual attraction” erased demis and grey-as, too, as members of the ace spectrum/umbrella. But grey-a and demi were still considered identities outside of “sexual,” so it may be that whatever we end up with for “experiences sexual attraction” or “experiences sexual attraction to others,” we just… do the same thing and consider demi and grey-a separate things.

True. Though I tended to see it as ‘asexual —>demisexuals and graces ——> sexuals as a sort of sliding gradient thing.

Yeah, that’s kind of what I’m thinking too. It’s all one big spectrum, with one direction assocated with asexual experiences and the other direction associated with alisexual/pwepsa/whatever experiences. Grays aren’t a distinct region on that spectrum; they’re just people who share some experiences with one group and other experiences with the other. So any word we use for the people-who-shall-not-currently-be-named is pretty much inevitably going to overlap some with grays as well, just because they do share some of those experiences. It’s just that their experiences also overlap a great deal with asexuality as well. 

I am all about toranseisstrong’s plan for “Fill the asexual tag with love day.”

I am all about toranseisstrong’s plan for “Fill the asexual tag with love day.”

Words mean things and stuff, blah blah blah


And ‘non-ace spectrum/umbrella person/people’ is fine as a phrase but it isn’t much use as a word and there’s times when a word works better. And it’d be nice to have a term that didn’t imply us as some strange ‘other’ or something.

So yeah, prefix.

Ali- means ‘other, another’ so maybe alisexual as in sexual attraction towards others?

Hmm, alisexual actually does seem to work well. I give it about five minutes before someone reads it as “all sexual” or decides that a word meaning “other” is a way of othering people, but for now, it’s probably the best idea I’ve seen so far.

I do want to add that another problem I have with “asexual spectrum” or the negation thereof is that there’s no such thing. There’s only one big spectrum; there’s no clear line that divides the “asexual” spectrum from the “everybody else” spectrum.